That Brown Eyed Bitch

The fresh meat sat beside me
and said that I looked safe
I pointed to the tear drops
tattooed upon my face

“You know what these mean?”
I questioned the newbie now.
“It means you paid good money for
ugly marks inked to your brow?”

“Good money, yes,” I set him straight,
“but for a reason true.
Two tears are beneath my eye
for a body count of two.”

“This is the county jail,” he said,
It’s not for heinous crimes.
Petty things like booze or drugs
Offenses with small time.”

“You’re right, I said, “I’m here
for trial while state collects the proof.”
A guard walked by, banged my table,
then he shouted, “Woof!”

I chuckled out and told the boy,
“It signifies ‘Big Dog’
So do what I tell you at all times
and we will get along.”

The rookie knew he picked wrong
and looked to move his chair.
I stopped him cold, “Stay by me.
Don’t you move. Don’t even dare.”

He gulped a bit then stared back
as I pointed to my tears,
“This one is for that brown eyed bitch,
the one who put me here.”

“She felt so soft, smelled so good,
and fought so very little.
Sure she yelped and howled a bit,
but I thought I had submittal.”

“Yelped and howled?” he quizzed me,
“then I must have missed the point.
What crime did you really do
to land you in the joint?”

“That’s my style of language use.
I mean she screamed alot,”
I added on, “but she turned to bite
so I had to kill the slut.”

A guard walked by and on the table
he placed a leather leash.
I thought fast, “He’s telling you
I’ll walk you where I please.”

Again he spoke while pointing
to the tattoos of the drops,
“The second one, was it for
another bitch you were atop?”

If it’s so, then I am safe
for you only violate girls.”
“Really,” I said, “this is jail.
Any port within the storm.”

He gulped again, and stared ahead.
I knew he’d be my bitch
Until the cop came up again
and pulled a nasty switch.

He exchanged the leather leash for
a collar he put down,
“Don’t let him fool you boy.
The brown eyed bitch was a hound.”

Squashing My Way To Paradise

Before reading this one, I suggest that the less enlightened ones look up ‘squash videos’

How many tomatoes can those big toes smash
before my rocks get off?
How many seedless grapes can those big heels crush
before I need to boff?

Squashing my way to paradise
She’s squashing my way to paradise

How much hamburger can be smooched under those soles
before I get that burn
How much egg salad can slip beneath those feet
before I get that urge?

Squashing my way to paradise
She’s squashing my way to paradise

The Mustache who Yodels

If you’re asked by a girl who comes up to you
what really she needs to make her toes curl
Tell her to see if bushed lipped men will do

Do try to find the mustache that yodels

For he goes yodeling, yodeling
down in the valley
That’s where the mustaches learn to strike true gold
Yodeling, yodeling
down in the valley
That kind of talent never gets old

To keep up appearances one must give way
to dine with clean cut, boring young men
Your parents are pleased, but at the end of the day

Do try to find the mustache that yodels

For he goes yodeling, yodeling
down in the valley
That’s where the mustaches learn to strike true gold
Yodeling, yodeling
down in the valley
That kind of talent never gets old

A clean shaven man can never do things
to tickle you right in the places that matter
To hit the high notes and hear yourself sing

Do try to find the mustache that yodels

For he goes yodeling, yodeling
down in the valley
That’s where the mustaches learn to strike true gold
Yodeling, yodeling
down in the valley
That kind of talent never gets old

I seldom take requests, but ‘Lovecraft’s other Ball’ last week laid down a challenge
I hope it lives up to expectations ENJOY!

The Ol’ Bidet

If tomorrow I occupy rooms
in countries not my own
And feel the need to eliminate
and sit upon the throne

In Western countries sink sits
beside the porcelain loo
A stand alone whose rapid flow
gives my bottom its just due

And I’m glad to have this wonderment
by which I know I’m clean
And I won’t forget to wipe it first
I’m proud of my hygiene
And I straddle well up over you
and spread it in my way
It changed my life, this warming stream
I love the ol’ bidet

In eastern lands the spout’s add on
No need to move your bum
Just push the buttons, feel the flow
washing off the scum

Back in the States there’re few streams
No buttons or a sink
I’ll call a plumber to install one
to wash my stink

And I’m glad to have this wonderment
by which I know I’m clean
And I won’t forget to wipe it first
I’m proud of my hygiene
And I straddle well up over you
and spread it in my way
It changed my life, this warming stream
I love the ol’ bidet